neoteric.

j’abandonne

“You will always get hurt, because you care too much” 

Quite a sting to hear something like that from someone whose opinion you value at a young age. I remember 16yr old me thinking, that wont happen. I cant help that i care so much. And at some point down the road, it’ll all pay off. and it seemed like it would, but then it didnt. The most painful thing ive ever had to endure. And then you have your friends that get you through crap like that and then you move on. And you vow, ill never do that again. 

But alas, you find yourself there again. and you tell yourself, dont be silly. You know you shouldnt. Amazingly, you listen to the wiser you. So you make it. Years go by. You heal. 

Hope as much as you will that you will never be fazed by the same need to give your everything in a friendship/relationship/wtv else that goes on in life, but hope fails. Back to square one. 

We’ve been told this time and time again, that when we give, we should give with our hearts and should not expect something in return. Its what i do. I give. But im only human. Only. Im allowed to want. So when you dont get what you expect sometimes, you hate. And thats where im at now. Im hating. I know its unfair. I know its my fault for caring so much in the first place. But here we are. You wondering what on earth im talking about. And me just hating. 

Yesterday was too much. Too many emotions all at once. Going from happy, to tired, to irritated, to happy, to whythehelldidyouhavetobetheretoday, to feeling horrible, to feeling angry, then getting over it, then feeling extremely happy, then feeling so hyper i was doing a million things at once. 

Clearly unhealthy. 

And i know this simply cause i woke up this morning with so much anger in me, i truly feel sorry for everyone in my life right now. 

Making a reappearance in my life, like a hurricane. Destroying everything in its path, and leaving me to pick up the pieces. 

But i dont feel like doing it anymore. I think ive done enough and dealt with enough. Id very much like to be selfish. Id very much like to be cared for. 

I think what im trying to say is, I give up. 

Now that i have the time, i thought i would write. Writing; always so therapeutic. There’s something about putting your thoughts down. I always have this “a-hah!” moment when im done writing and read through all my babbling. 

My results come out on Monday. Needless to say, Im just flipping out. But i shan’t share my nerves and anxiety, simply because the nausea that follows isnt too pleasant. 

What ive been thinking about lately is how different supposedly similar situations are at different points in your life.

I used to think, “oh, this will be so much easier when im older”. Truth be told, it is. There’s so much less drama (for me at least) in life now. Because maturity got the best of me, and thankfully caught up with most of the people around me. Of course there are the select few who are still of a different mind set and are not subjected to the thoughts i have to deal with just yet, but more or less, im surrounded by people who are entering or already in that chapter in their lives where silly games and childish thoughts are far behind us.

Dont get me wrong, there’s still loads of stuff that i can easily complicate the shit out of, but its the things that was so hard and complicated when i was a teen, that is so simple now. Talking to someone i might like, doesnt require much consultation with the girlfriends, eg: “should i talk to him?” “what is he doesnt wanna talk to me?” “he said (insert sentence), WHAT DOES HE MEAN? WHAT SHOULD I SAY?” 

Now its more like, oh this person seems interesting id like to get to know him. and maybe, i need someone like this in my life, maybe i should keep talking to him. and then the occasional, oh god, i dont like this person very much, IGNORE. (consultations with the girlfriends will never truly become obsolete though)

I think this little evolution of thoughts and attitudes is very much due to how im moving from student to working person. What used to be difficult or complicated, now seems so trivial. When youre carefree, your mind has so much space to over think little things that are really just pretty simple. But when you have to start thinking about paying your car loan,staying out of debt, keeping in touch with the right people, not screwing up your work and being a good daughter/sister/girlfriend/friend and just person in general, there isnt really much room. 

Point being, i like it. That the old things are simple now (not simple in all aspects though, that would make things boring) and im faced with a whole new set of challenges. 

Here’s hoping i make it out of this chapter just as i did the last: Nostalgic yet looking forward and moving full steams ahead. 

(i realise this post may be a bit premature, seeing as my results will truly determine if im making it out of this chapter properly. I still have a foot in the last. T_T ) 

Today.

This is what today feels like. 

I want you to notice when im not around

You’re so very special

I wish I was special

But I’m a creep

I’m a weirdo

What the hell I’m doing here?

I don’t belong here